Category Archives: Life Lessons

Life Lessons: “It’s Been a Long Time – I Shouldn’t Have Left You!”

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Hey Sudden Bachelors (& Bachelorettes)

I don’t know if you guys missed me, but I really did miss you! I apologize for being gone for so long, but I was going through a few “processes” in my personal and professional life. On May 1st, I officially retired from my “job” as a police officer. Everyone I’ve told has been shocked … “You’ve got 20 years in already?!” No … 11 years. In a nutshell, I took advantage of a situation and decided it best for myself to walk away from law enforcement. So, I guess that makes me somewhat an “Occupationally” Sudden Bachelor!

I just ended an 11 year relationship with a job I loved, but in the long run was eating me up inside. Not too very long after I got myself off the street and working inside, I began to see a change. I began to see a change in my demeanor with people in general and my wife in particular. In my mind’s eye I began to see myself as I was in uniform, and I because I wasn’t wearing that uniform anymore, I didn’t have to be that man anymore. And because I stopped being that man, the new man I became is one who doesn’t take so much so seriously. From January to May, I actually lost 25 pounds! Basically, there were some things that I realized I just had to care a little less about. I had to reorganize a few of my priorities.

Having said that … Let’s move forward! As “Sudden Bachelors (& Bachelorettes), isn’t that what we have to do anyway? In the words of Ray Bradbury said, “Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down.”

So, you have my word that you will hear from me more moving forward. Allow me to share with you a video of a speech I gave to an assembly of high school students last week.

Take Care & God Bless,
Harold S. Reed, Jr.
(Your “Motiv-ACTIONal” Speaker)

Life Lessons: It’s 2011 … Let’s NOT Do it Again!

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Happy New Year Sudden Bachelors!

Every year we set out to fulfill “New Year’s Resolutions,” and every year we tend to “full-fail” at “resolving” those things we set out to do at the beginning of the year. One of the main reasons this is so is because we make a big production about the resolutions we’re making, but we do not apply the same amount of attention to taking consistent action throughout the year.

This year, I have not made one single “resolution.” This year, I’m setting goals. I’m setting weight loss & fitness goals, professional goals, personal goals, and family goals.

The reason why I’m making an issue of this is simple. I have observed that it’s a part of human nature to just “go with the flow” and conform. We just got through celebrating the most expensive exercise in conformity a week ago (YES … I am talking about Christmas). Everyone spends all year crying broke, but yet & still every December, the mall parking lots are all filled to capacity! So after Christmas, what do people do? They start talking about their “New Year’s Resolutions” and what they’re going to give up – smoking, over-eating … whatever.

Well, I’m not buying it … I DON’T BELIEVE YOU!

The only way we’re going to achieve our goals – or for those of you who wish to hold on to your “resolutions,” is for us to be held accountable to them. You don’t have to share your goals or resolutions with the world – in fact, I recommend you don’t & I’ll explain why in a second. Anyway, find yourself an “Accountability Partner” – someone in whom you can confide and will challenge you only so far as to help you stay on your course.

Now the reason why I say it’s not necessarily good or wise to share your goals with the world (or maybe even on your Facebook page), is because not everyone is out to support you. Many people … even people who deem close to you will use your goals to taunt you. When you hit those inevitable valleys, these will be the people who will talk you out of your goals and resolutions by saying things like “Well, you shoulda’ known you was gonna break down and eat some McDonald’s – HELL – I knew you were gonna do it!”

Look, the reason we make these resoultions is because we want to change our lives for the better. To do this is to be successful. If you really want to be successful in fulfilling your resolutions, then you most change your patterns. So … like I have done, do away with your resolutions; set goals, and find yourselves an “Accountability Partner.” Recognize that you’re only conforming with the norm just waiting to full-fail those resolutions.

In 2011 … Let’s NOT Do it Again!

Life Lessons: Love is NOT About “Give & Take”

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All of our lives we’ve heard people say that “give & take” is one of the secrets to a happy relationship. Well Sudden Bachelors … I’ve never bought it! I’m not saying that it’s a load of crap, but I do have a certain way of looking at it that causes me not to have full faith in it.

If I have $5.00 and I give it to you and you take it, you now have $5.00 and I have nothing … and that’s good how exactly? Now let’s magnify that to a relationship in which one party is providing (or giving) all or most of the means for shelter, food, clothing, and entertainment – while the other is receiving (or taking) those things … and that is the key to living “happily ever after?” No … I can’t buy it. I simply can’t.
C’mon … How many of you became “Sudden Bachelors” because you got fed up with being someone’s “sugar-daddy” or “sugar-momma?!”

Let me share with you what I do believe in. I believe in reciprocity. I believe in “give & give” as opposed to “give & take.” Let’s go back to my eariler example with the $5.00. If I give you five dollars and you take it, but then at some point in time thereafter you give me something equivalent or more than that amount, a cycle begins … the cycle of “give & give.” You do for your mate and your mate does for you. THIS is the basis for a strong relationship. THIS is what a true relationship should be built upon.

Trust me … If one person is giving, and giving, and giving, and giving  while the other person is taking, and taking, and taking, and taking … there is going to be some level of resentment in the mix. It is only natural that resentment builds up. At some point someone is going to want some give-back, or else they’re going to feel as if they’re being taken advantage of.

I do believe that it is better to give than it is to receive, but I also believe that we receive because we give. If you’re in a relationship, you should be giving of yourself to make your mate happy … and so should your mate be giving unto you. You see … if you’re giving and your mate is giving then no one is ever going without. Because “it’s better to give than it is to receive,” if both parties are giving, then the receiving is actually overshadowed by the generosity.

We all have so much to give … however at the same time we are equally deserving.

Life Lessons: How Can You Tell If He/She Is The One?

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Every so often I open up a blog called “Ask HRJR,” where I invite people to hit me with their challenges in life and I try to see if we can help them find some kind of resolution from an objective & non-judgmental point of view. While following the blog of a friend of mine, I came across some questions she asked, & I felt compelled to answer them. While doing so, I felt even more compelled to share those answers with you.

You might be “Sudden Bachelors” now, but my goal & reason for contributing to this site is to help you recreate yourselves into more productive partners for those out there who you deserve and who deserve you.

I am totally sure that these questions affect you & that my answers will empower you!

Q. How can you tell if you found the one? The one that you want to spend the rest of your life with.
A. That answer can only be determined over the course of time. You wo…n’t know if he or she is “the ONE” until they have proven themselves such. If they don’t, can’t or won’t … they aren’t. You have to take that chance & in taking that chance you’re spending time finding out. There’s just no way around it.

Q. How do you know if that person will be there for you through thick and thin?
A. You don’t. Again, this is something that has to be proven over the course of time. It’s easy to say what you might do in a situation, but it’s an entirely different thing to actually have to back up your words. You might SAY, “I love you so much that if you got sick I’d wipe your ass,” … but, God foirbid, what if that really came to pass? Don’t get much thicker than that.

Q. How do you know if it is love or sex holding you together?
A. Simple … Take away one of the two. If you take away the sex, THERE IS GOING TO BE A PROBLEM. If in trying to solve whatever the cause of the REAL problem may be, you’ll find out if your partner loves you because he or she will want to help you solve the problem so they can resume getting all that GOOD LOVIN’. If you take away the love, well then the answer will manifest itself in a variety of colorful and unproductive ways.

Q. What are your determining factors in picking a lifetime mate?
A. Everyone is going to say “Good looks, sense of humor, kind spirit, sensitive (but not a punk), agressive (but not a bully or a bi%ch), good job, nice car, tight butt …” blah blah blah … Ultimately, you have to know yourself as best you can first. Instead of worrying more about what someone else has to do to be worthy of you, you should spend more time cultivating yourself. This way; instead of having to go out picking & choosing, if you are exuding all of the best qualities you can muster – someone out there will find you worthy of them and CHOOSE YOU. Then you can go about seeing if they’re also exuding those world-class qualities.

In the end, people have to realize (like the Mariah Carey song says), “Love Takes Time.” You can’t expect to have an Decades long “Ossie Davis/Ruby Dee” love affair with a disposable fast-food “Brittney Spears/K-Fed” mentality.

Keep in mind that who you were is not who you are and who you are is not who you will be. Give yourself and your partner the right to change and grow, and if you truly love one another you will appreciate such changes. If/when a person changes in such a way that you cannot appreciate, trust me … that is when you will determine how much you love that person or how much he or she loves you because that’s when the tests of love kick in.

‎Life Lessons: Are You Where You Want to Be in Life?

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I often ask people, “Are you where you want to be in life?” and I often get the answer, “No, I’m not.” Then I ask, “Well, where DO you want to be in life?” This is where the conversations get fun because the answers start at “I don’t know” and escalate to the highest heights of whatever can possibly be imagined.

If the person answers that they are not where they want to be because they don’t know where they want to be, it’s not totally okay because typically I’m not having this conversation with teenagers or even college students. I’m talking about adults who are out in the “real world” and long gone from their days in a classroom. On the other hand, it doesn’t make sense crying over their lack of direction up until that point, so I’ll say that it’s kind of okay to not know because it gives us a “ground zero” to start from.

The fact of the matter is that many people are just going through life on auto-pilot with no clue as to where they’re going; and because they don’t know where they’re going, they’re never going to know when they’ve arrived. Hell, because they’re not focused on where they’re going, they might “arrive” and not even know it.

I remember one day years ago, when I had to take public transportation to go to work, and I fell asleep on the bus. When I woke up – or rather when the bus driver woke me up, we were at the last stop of his run – with me missing my stop quite some time back.

This event paints the perfect picture of what I’m talking about because I was on the bus “just traveling along.” I wasn’t driving, so I “wasn’t in control” of how I got to my destination. I “got comfortable” on my ride and I “fell asleep.” I was still traveling along, but “I had no clue as where I was & because I wasn’t paying attention to where I was, when I arrived I had no idea that I had arrived.” Because I had no idea that I had arrived, I “kept on traveling” until I “ultimately ended up somewhere I did not know or want to be.” However, “once I was awakened,” and realized where I was, “I had to go about the work of going back & getting to where I was supposed to be.”

Is this not just about the exact recipe as to how people wind up “lost & found” in life? Continue reading →

Life Lessons: Consumers vs. Contributors

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Hey there Sudden Bachelors! When I first agreed to “contribute” to this site, I was very leary. I’m not a bachelor & I haven’t been for quite some time. When I made the decision to become a speaker and a writer; knowing that I have NEVER been the “perfect” man, I decided the one area I would stay away from would be giving relationship advice. I figured it best I keep those opinions to myself. However, when my brother KGB asked me to participate on this forum, I had to “FIND A WAY TO MAKE A WAY” to do this and be both true to myself and to what YOU need.

I decided that my “contributions” here would not just be about getting over your woman (or man). They would focus on helping you build yourselves back up to where you’re either ready to go back out there and find the woman (or man) that’s meant to be yours – OR be ready to be found by that person. This article is geared towards you improving yourself to make yourself more of an asset than a liability.

With that said …

Why is it so hard for people to follow their dreams? Well, let’s first take a look at where dreams come from. Our dreams are the movies of our subconscious minds where we can either be the stars or the victims. When you come out on top, you’re the star. When you’re being chased by the monsters, you’re the victim. One thing is certain… regardless of if you’re the star or the victim in your dreams; you have the power to transform your dreams into your reality.

So in looking into why it is so hard for people to follow their dreams; and understanding that our dreams are products of the intangibility of our subconscious, then the problem must exist in a person’s lack of belief in that they have the power to make something out of nothing. These are the people who are life’s consumers. These are the people who suffer from what I call “L.T.N.P.D.I. syndrome.” “L.T.N.P.D.I.” stands for “let the next person do it.” Those who suffer from “let the next person do it” syndrome believe that everything short of paying their bills is someone else’s job.

It’s someone else’s job to teach their children. It’s someone else’s job to catch criminals and put out fires. It’s someone else’s job to make sure government runs the way it’s supposed to. Likewise, when the things that were someone else’s job to do go wrong then naturally it’s someone else’s fault. Strangely, even though it’s someone else’s job to do all of these things when things go wrong in the lives of those suffering from “let the next person do with” syndrome that she was someone else’s fault.

It’s someone else’s fault when their children don’t do well in school — even though they allowed their children to spend more time mastering video games than studying. It was someone else’s fault when their car got broken into — despite the fact that they were the ones who left their $350 GPS unit sitting on the dashboard. And it was someone else’s fault when the councilperson (who got elected because certain people didn’t bother to go out and vote) got caught with his/her hand in the cookie jar.

“Someone else” has a lot of responsibility, and “someone else” is the cause of a lot of trouble in people’s lives; however, “someone else” is rarely the one with whom these people share the credit with when things tend to go good in their lives.
Continue reading →

Life Lessons: Are you a “Sudden Bachelor” if You’re Separated?

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Over the past few weeks – maybe months even – various circles I’m affiliated with have engaged in the discussion topic of people dating people who are still married, but separated. Again … I am very much married; however, unlike many married people, I do not allow MY situation to blind me from the experiences that other people have to endure. You see … I cannot possibly help people grow – hell – I can’t even help myself grow – by just sharing MY point of view based solely on MY experiences. I use as many experiences as I can learn about or bear witness to in order to create a more objective means of facing a problem or particular situation. The same applies here.

The prevailing rule of thought is that if you’re dating someone who’s separated, you’re committing adultry. The funny thing to me is for all of the people I hear use that line of reasoning, it only appears to me that they’re hiding behind God and using Him as a shield to protect them while they go about the business of burying their heads in the sand instead of facing reality.

In case you haven’t figured me out yet from my previous posts – or if this is your first time reading one of my posts, please understand that I am very big on individual repsonsiblity & accountability. As such, I believe that  even though we exist in a series of communities ranging from boyfriend/girlfriend & husband/wife; to family, city, county, state, country, to the entire world … we are all individuals who are making decisions that happen to affect other individuals. The problem is that there is so much “communal” individual thinking that hardly anyone wants to accept accountability and take responsibility for their own thinking and decisions.

In my eyes, if a married relationship has deteriorated to the point where both parties have decided to part ways, then the relationship is as good as over. Let me clarify … when the sh%t gets really thick in a marriage, sometimes it’s good to get away to clear your head. In this age of ever-changing Domestic Violence laws – most of which are slanted in favor of women (sorry ladies, but it’s true) – it most behooves a man to step off and find another spot to lay his head and allow things to cool down at home. However, when it gets to the point where one of the parties in the relationship is moving out of the marital home and into an entirely separate apartment, well then it’s (sadly) safe to say that divorce is on the horizon.

So you’re “separated.” The marriage you are in is on the outs. The no longer love the man or woman you once loved, and or they no longer love you. It’s bad enough that relationship went to sh%t, but are you supposed to stay in limbo until the divorce papers are signed? C’Mon SON! … Not likely! Let’s be real, shall we?! Separation is the name for that space in time until the divorce is finalized. Legally the bond is still there, but emotionally … It’s a wrap, and in your mind – be it sooner or later – it’s “ON TO THE NEXT ONE!”
Continue reading →

Life Lessons: Beat The “Feeling” Of Being Broke!

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Hey Sudden Bachelors!! I know I’ve been gone a while, but hey … its Summertime!

Look here … I understand that one of the hardest things to have to deal with in becoming a bachelor again – hell – just dealing with hard times of any nature, is overcoming financial issues. Maybe you had shared responsibilities with your girl, wife, whatever … and now that the relationship is over, you’re left with the responsibility of climbing out of that hole by yourself.

The first thing I want you to know is that EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE! You WILL climb out of that hole. Just know that it will take some time. Keep working towards it and you’ll be fine. Now, while in the process of climbing out of that hole, you’re going to be feeling BROKE! However, I am about to share with you something that’s guaranteed to “beat the FEELING of being broke!”

Dig this … This is no major secret … Just a concept I picked up in my studies.

Would you agree with the phrase “cash is king?” I’m sure you do. With cash you can get and do just about anything anywhere.

Let me ask you this … When do you feel most broke? Not after all the bills are paid. Not even while paying the bills! If you’re anything like me, you feel most broke when you step out the house and you know damn well your wallet or your pockets are TIGHT! So how do we solve that particular problem?

WE FATTEN UP THAT WALLET & THOSE POCKETS!
How do we do that? Simple … WE STACK PAPER.

Every week put aside a certain amount of money to carry on your person. How much is entirely up to you. If you add a $20 bill every Friday for two months, you’ve got $160. In 5 months you’ve got $400. Here is where the discipline comes in … YOU DO NOT SPEND THIS MONEY UNLESS IT IS A DIRE EMERGENCY! If something should come up where you have to spend some or all of it, mission #1 becomes replacing it!

Other than that, just enjoy the feeling of having that money in your pocket. Every so often, reach down and touch it. Every so often, take it out and count it (OBVIOUSLY discretion is key here). Depending on how much you’re carrying or eventually will carry, enjoy the feeling of knowing that there’s very little that can happen that you can’t get yourself out of.

Me personally, I’ve set the goal to carry $1000 on me. Not in some kind of strip-club “make it rain” knot of assorted singles, fives, tens, etc … NO. Just something as subtle as 10 $100 bills. Right now I’m at $700 plus whatever few bucks I may need to get me through the day.

Ask me if I feel broke? HELL NAW!

Now this is NOT about flashing money about, nor is it stacking up to spend on something that happens to catch your eye. The key here is to “BEAT THE FEELING OF BEING BROKE,” and how broke could you possibly feel if you’ve got an axtra $200, $500, or even $1000 right at your fingertips?

Start with what you carry on your person. Then work your way into a savings account; hell, work your way into a couple of accounts. Branch off into investments … Bottom line if wealth exists at the top of the ladder, there’s only one way to get there … You have to start at the bottom.

Life Lessons: Protect Yourself So You Don’t Wreck Yourself!

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Good Morning!

Last night I was watching a dating show where the suitors competing for a particular woman’s affections were faced with having to sign a pre-nuptial agreement. When the forms were announced, the first worded response amongst the men’s moans and groans was “Aww Hell NAAAW!!” Truly worthy of a chuckle at first, but moving forward, each of the men signed the document (they were probably told off-camera that they had to in order to remain on the show).

Over the past few years I have had discussions with both men and women concerning getting a pre-nuptial, and always the views are the same: Men are afraid to bring it up because they think the woman is going to be insulted and leave them.

On the other hand, no matter how much women tend to boast about how independent they are, unless the woman actually has and or makes more than the man, she will have a problem with being asked to sign a pre-nup.  The couple talks about how much they love one another and how they’re not going into their  marriage with thoughts of failure.

The thing is, everyone says that going blindly into a marriage at the beginning, but ultimately the fellas just bitch up and the discussion of getting a pre-nup never even comes to the table, and sadly, when the marriage fails - those same fellas get screwed. I am certain that some of you “Sudden Bachelors” are experiencing the ass-side of having made such a choice, so I’m relying on you to add credence to this post.
Continue reading →

Life Lessons: Becoming “One” Doesn’t Mean Losing Who You Are

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Hey Fellas … How are you doing?

People spend so much time representing the concept of “becoming one” that they lose themselves in the process. In my last article, I spoke about watching out for changes that occur in the process of “growing together.” Here I want to dig a little deeper.

I want to continue on the vibe of evaluating and taking ownership of what it is we bring (or fail to bring) to relationships, and in doing so I want to bring to light something I never hear people talking when it comes to relationships … Loss of identity.

Granted, compromise is a vital keystone in any good and successful relationship; however, there is a difference between compromise and capitulation and because so very many people confuse that latter for the former, many relationships become strained and frayed to the point that they snap apart like a worn rubberband.

Like snowflakes, no two people are the same. When two people allow one another into their lives they have to accept this as a primary reality. The reason why many relationships work is because people value and respect their differences. Where people fall apart is when they get caught up giving up pieces of themselves to keep peace in their relationships. Continue reading →