Category Archives: Advice

Life Lessons: “It’s Been a Long Time – I Shouldn’t Have Left You!”

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Hey Sudden Bachelors (& Bachelorettes)

I don’t know if you guys missed me, but I really did miss you! I apologize for being gone for so long, but I was going through a few “processes” in my personal and professional life. On May 1st, I officially retired from my “job” as a police officer. Everyone I’ve told has been shocked … “You’ve got 20 years in already?!” No … 11 years. In a nutshell, I took advantage of a situation and decided it best for myself to walk away from law enforcement. So, I guess that makes me somewhat an “Occupationally” Sudden Bachelor!

I just ended an 11 year relationship with a job I loved, but in the long run was eating me up inside. Not too very long after I got myself off the street and working inside, I began to see a change. I began to see a change in my demeanor with people in general and my wife in particular. In my mind’s eye I began to see myself as I was in uniform, and I because I wasn’t wearing that uniform anymore, I didn’t have to be that man anymore. And because I stopped being that man, the new man I became is one who doesn’t take so much so seriously. From January to May, I actually lost 25 pounds! Basically, there were some things that I realized I just had to care a little less about. I had to reorganize a few of my priorities.

Having said that … Let’s move forward! As “Sudden Bachelors (& Bachelorettes), isn’t that what we have to do anyway? In the words of Ray Bradbury said, “Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down.”

So, you have my word that you will hear from me more moving forward. Allow me to share with you a video of a speech I gave to an assembly of high school students last week.

Take Care & God Bless,
Harold S. Reed, Jr.
(Your “Motiv-ACTIONal” Speaker)

Guest Post: Divorce Can Make Things Better

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Editor’s Note: This post comes from our new friend Leo Averbach – Author of Breakup: enduring divorce.

I went through the divorce mill and came out the other side feeling better for it. However, it was not plain sailing. The breakup was tough, really tough. Firstly, I was shocked to learn that my wife was having an affair. It hit me like a train; I was torn apart. Secondly, divorce was not in my script at all, so when I saw my marriage crumbling beyond repair after nearly twenty years together and three kids, I was totally disoriented.

In fact, my whole life disintegrated. My family was in tatters; I was no longer a husband or life-partner and was struggling to remain a father. I lost all sense of who I was and my confidence plummeted. I felt completely deskilled instead of the reasonably competent  naked at the counter of life. For me this was loss on a grand scale. Most of all, I felt emasculated and impotent in all senses.

Somehow I managed to turn the situation around. It took time, of course, and I was fortunate to have help, in the form of therapy. The therapy helped me to rebuild my confidence, to start believing in myself and to put myself center-stage. I shed a lot of my emotional armor and began to develop an awareness of my feelings. This fundamentally changed the way I functioned, shifting me from being ‘in my head’ to being ‘in my heart’ more; from looking out to looking inward. I gradually came to the realization that “it’s all in me”, that we see the world as we are, not as it is. Continue reading →

Got Milf? Or Dilf?

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I’m going to talk about milfs and dilfs.  That’s right, you heard me.  Because I was given an advance copy of this brand new book, Got Milf? by Sarah Maizes about milfs which I liked because who among us hasn’t had the hots for a milf and/or- without knowing it- wondered if we are a dilf?

If you’re a Sudden Bachelor, even if you were bombed back to the stone age emotionally if not financially and physically by divorce, forming positive goals are a key way out of the cave and back into the light.  Aiming to be a dilf is- to my way of thinking- a positive goal!

The book does things like distinguishes between cougars (nasty) and milfs (hot!) and shows how to measure the “milf quotient.”   I won’t get more specific since it’s not out til April!    Most importantly, it shines a light on a word and concept that has flowed effortlessly into the vernacular these last few years.  Even if you’re a guy, when this book comes to a kindle near you you can read it, put it up to a mirror and get some direction on how to become the converse of milf-  a dilf!

Why do I have any claim to talk to you about being a dilf?  The only time I was ever called a dilf was by one of my stepson’s sexually ambiguous male friends.  In fact my ex- wife once gave me a shirt that says, not dilf, but Dork.   And my stepdaughter used to make me wear it at each of her birthday parties, like a ritual humiliation.  Well, I may be a dork, but dork and dilf are only separated by 3 letters and even if I never become a dilf, that doesn’t mean I can’t pontificate to you about it.

How to become a dilf?  I say start by queer eyeing your wardrobe and body.  If divorce has brought on defeatism in your life, take a step toward defeating the defeatism by going shopping.  That’s right, I’m going to inflict on you- when the going gets tough, the tough go shopping, blah blah blah.   Go with someone fashionable, ideally a woman, especially ideally a milf.  If you know a hot mom, just get her to go shopping with you.  It’s a triple win.  If she’s available you might get laid or more.  If she’s not, you can bond with her and she may have hot friends.  And setting aside those factors, clothes do much to make the man, at least in the eyes of a milf, and if your typical weekend wear is pleated khakis and a tucked-in short sleeve Brooks Brothers collar shirt with a pocket longing for a protector, then someone needs to rip that sh*#@  right off you and replace it with a John Varvatos button down knit shirt and some Levi’s cords (or Gap 1969 cords, my favorite pants, EVER).  Nothing like a milf to help you retrofit. Continue reading →

Guest Post: Back To Bachelor

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Editor’s note: Today’s great post comes from our friend Ivana.

When you’ve had your heart torn brutally to pieces right in front of your eyes – or a slightly less dramatic metaphor, whatever you’re imagining – it’s difficult to pick up the pieces and resume the carefree, liberal bachelorhood you abandoned all that time ago. If you don’t watch out, you’ll find yourself putting on weight and working on a closer relationship with your Xbox, or worse still, identifying with every Coldplay song and crying over the Jeremy Kyle show.

While there’s nothing wrong with daytime telly, takeaways and a healthy addiction to games consoles, this behaviour won’t exactly get you back on the bachelor track in style. Yes, your pride has been dented. It’s probably about the equivalent of decking it face first at an ice rink. But what you need to do now is get up, brush yourself off and skate on, head held high. You owe it to bachelors everywhere. Here are five ways to resume bachelorhood in style and get straight back on the dating scene…


1) Get back in shape…
Exercise is a fantastic way to distract yourself, especially from the pangs of a break-up. You can imagine your ex’s face on the punch bag and take out every ounce of anger on it. You can exhaust yourself to the extent that you collapse into undisturbed peaceful sleeps each night. You can let the endorphins generated by exercise wipe away any negative thoughts. And this will ultimately work towards honing your body into the chiselled physique that every true bachelor should possess…


2) Get back on the field…
Focus on your passions. Whether this is football, golf or photography, it’s great to devote time to something completely unconnected with your personal crisis. Plus, it’s probably healthy to be in the all-male environment of most team sports just now. Continue reading →

Guest Post: Dating Site No-No’s

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Editor’s note: Today’s great post comes from one of our friends at DatingSite.org.

The divorce has been finalized and there you are sitting on your couch watching another sitcom about a new-age family when the thought crosses your mind: Why not go online?
For some men dating sites are seen as relinquishing the primal urge to hunt for a mate; the sense of struggle we receive from the chase that lets us know she’s worth our commitment. But like many things, modernity has obscured our instinct and instead replaced it with convenience and efficiency. The 1950’s required hand-written letters and flowered arrivals, but the 2000’s seem to be about Facebook, retweeting, and the perfect text response. The online age can be a massive change for a newly single man looking to date. Here are a few tips to help navigate the online dating world.
  1. Truth Be Told: You are an honest guy, so don’t post the photo of you in your college bathing suit if you no longer resemble that strapping of a stud. Find a nice digital photo of you smiling and enjoying your life. Your age, city, status as a divorcee, number of kids, job title, and interests should all represent you. There is a major crisis of confidence among some men about their standing in life, don’t be that guy. Understand that you have the wisdom (and scars) of a long time relationship and truth can be just as sexy as fake abs and a spray-on tan. Even if you know that your existence is a bit tough to sell, remember that we are all a little screwed up.
  2. Modesty is the Best Policy: Yes, honesty was one, but please Heaven don’t get Jersey Shore about your possessions. Even if you value them as a representation of your hard work, you should keep from flaunting them online. Some men have chosen to lean against their car in their online profile shot, or not-so-discreetly feature their $10k wristwatch. This cock-assuredness will get you results, but not from women with long term compatibility. Play it bland and play it honest. Women love surprises, so if you have a beautiful Paneri why not wait until date three or four and throw her for a loop? Fail to do so and your shiny piece of bait will only attract a woman with a large shovel and impish heart.
  3. Email is Sexy Again (Kinda): There was a time when the thought of meaningful interpersonal communication coming online was thought impossible. Work emails are the reality, but in a world that is tweeting, Facebooking, and texting, a long form email has appeal. You can offer more thoughts than could ever be found in 140 characters and when well-written you can express desires in a medium that is comfortable to both you and your date. If done well email can be the equivalent of letter writing, it can display an uncommon effort to communicate and connect – which many women find romantic and appealing. However, remember to separate those complexities from your text and Facebooking, which are still useful as less formal and sometimes more public forms of communication.
  4. Try, Try Again: There are dozens of dating sites offering users the opportunity for several types of relationship connections. Sites like eHarmony.com and Chemistry.com are meant for finding a long term mate. Others, like fitnesssingles.com is for a niche audience, like those interested in working out as a couple. You’ll need to do some research to find out about each site and what they offer. Match and others have a guarantee of companionship that buffers first-time users who might be watching the pocketbook. Just be certain you are committed to putting your best image forward.

No matter the service or companion, the most important thing to remember is that confidence, not conceit, is attractive. Losing a partner is difficult, you might be struggling with trust issues and personal matters on a daily basis, but finding a new partner is less about springing old drama on new flesh as it is an opportunity to realize your expectations with a fresh face. The road to recovery can be troubled but maintaining a positive, confident outlook online and off is always most important.

There’s Life After Divorce – BlogTalkRadio.com

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Love Bites For Lover’s Only BlogTalk Radio is excited to have had guest Mark Schwartz, Co- Founder Sudden Bachelor.com, on the show. Mark shared his bachelor secrets with Radio-Host Candace Chambers Belida. Is there life after divorce? Listen below:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/btrplayer.swf?file=http://www.blogtalkradio.com%2Flovebitesforloversonly%2Fplay_list.xml&autostart=false&bufferlength=5&volume=80&corner=rounded&callback=http://www.blogtalkradio.com/flashplayercallback.aspx

Listen to internet radio with MyCandace on Blog Talk Radio

Holiday Shopping Guide For Sudden Bachelors

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The holiday season is upon us. For many, these are happy times, but for many Sudden Bachelors these times can be depressing and daunting. But let’s focus on the positive. For some of you Sudden Bachelors – you might already be back in the dating mix and you might have a new special someone. Since this is all new territory, you are probably unsure of what kind of holiday gift to get this new lover of yours. Our friends over at Urblife.com have a few ideas of what to give and what NOT to give – check out a few below and click here to see the whole list.

An unexpected pregnancy. Nothing says “I love you” like the surprise of a new mouth to feed.

$25 Applebee’s gift card. Try the artichoke dip.

A refurbished merkin wig. Reduce, Reuse, Recycle

Pleasures of the flesh. Not just for birthdays anymore.

‎Life Lessons: Are You Where You Want to Be in Life?

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I often ask people, “Are you where you want to be in life?” and I often get the answer, “No, I’m not.” Then I ask, “Well, where DO you want to be in life?” This is where the conversations get fun because the answers start at “I don’t know” and escalate to the highest heights of whatever can possibly be imagined.

If the person answers that they are not where they want to be because they don’t know where they want to be, it’s not totally okay because typically I’m not having this conversation with teenagers or even college students. I’m talking about adults who are out in the “real world” and long gone from their days in a classroom. On the other hand, it doesn’t make sense crying over their lack of direction up until that point, so I’ll say that it’s kind of okay to not know because it gives us a “ground zero” to start from.

The fact of the matter is that many people are just going through life on auto-pilot with no clue as to where they’re going; and because they don’t know where they’re going, they’re never going to know when they’ve arrived. Hell, because they’re not focused on where they’re going, they might “arrive” and not even know it.

I remember one day years ago, when I had to take public transportation to go to work, and I fell asleep on the bus. When I woke up – or rather when the bus driver woke me up, we were at the last stop of his run – with me missing my stop quite some time back.

This event paints the perfect picture of what I’m talking about because I was on the bus “just traveling along.” I wasn’t driving, so I “wasn’t in control” of how I got to my destination. I “got comfortable” on my ride and I “fell asleep.” I was still traveling along, but “I had no clue as where I was & because I wasn’t paying attention to where I was, when I arrived I had no idea that I had arrived.” Because I had no idea that I had arrived, I “kept on traveling” until I “ultimately ended up somewhere I did not know or want to be.” However, “once I was awakened,” and realized where I was, “I had to go about the work of going back & getting to where I was supposed to be.”

Is this not just about the exact recipe as to how people wind up “lost & found” in life? Continue reading →

Sudden Bachelor or Zombie?

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After being in a relationship for some time, the idea of being alone can be scary for many – hence the “shell shocked” Sudden Bachelor. But what about staying in a dead relationship? If you feel that your relationship is dead – is it best to end things and start fresh or is the so-called “zombie marriage” just a passing scenario? We spotted an article over at Details called “YOUR MARRIAGE ISN’T DEAD—IT’S COMATOSE.” It’s pretty interesting stuff and might help some of you out there who are thinking about joining the ranks of the Sudden Bachelor.

“What happens in a marriage is that as it settles,” says Carl Pickhardt, a psychologist in Austin, Texas, “people just get in a routine with each other. They go on automatic.”

The mistake some couples make is diagnosing that comatose phase—when they’re too wrapped up in their careers, kids, and aging parents to engage with each other—as terminal. That’s when they start obsessing over pulling the plug.

“Too many people take that zombie zone as a sign that they need a divorce,” says Susan Heitler, a Denver psychologist and the author of The Power of Two: Secrets to a Strong & Loving Marriage. “The bulk of my practice is referred to me by lawyers, and I’d say 80 percent of those who’d gone in to get a divorce turned out to have great marriages.”

Still, taking the opposite tack—exhaustively trying to jump-start a marriage with therapy, self-help books, and couples’ time that’s enforced as strictly as homework hour—can be equally toxic.

“If I thought I had to work on my marriage all the time,” says one friend who tied the knot 12 years ago, “like constantly take its pulse and make sure everything was okay, I would have given up a long time ago.”

Another friend of mine, whom I’ll call Jeff, says that only when he stopped thinking about his marriage altogether, stopped attempting to prop it up with counseling and “date nights,” and accepted that it was in its zombie phase, did he and his wife settle into a less anxious, more peaceful coexistence. “I’m not fighting it,” Jeff says. “I’m not pretending it’s better than it is.”

These men have realized what a lot of couples who are still together in their fifties already know: In most cases, the Zombie Marriage is just a phase—and quite possibly a crucial one. For a lifelong relationship to survive its most challenging period, it must enter an unconscious, protective state, so that no matter how many stakes are driven through its heart it will continue to stumble forward. (Read the full article here).

Life Lessons: Are you a “Sudden Bachelor” if You’re Separated?

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Over the past few weeks – maybe months even – various circles I’m affiliated with have engaged in the discussion topic of people dating people who are still married, but separated. Again … I am very much married; however, unlike many married people, I do not allow MY situation to blind me from the experiences that other people have to endure. You see … I cannot possibly help people grow – hell – I can’t even help myself grow – by just sharing MY point of view based solely on MY experiences. I use as many experiences as I can learn about or bear witness to in order to create a more objective means of facing a problem or particular situation. The same applies here.

The prevailing rule of thought is that if you’re dating someone who’s separated, you’re committing adultry. The funny thing to me is for all of the people I hear use that line of reasoning, it only appears to me that they’re hiding behind God and using Him as a shield to protect them while they go about the business of burying their heads in the sand instead of facing reality.

In case you haven’t figured me out yet from my previous posts – or if this is your first time reading one of my posts, please understand that I am very big on individual repsonsiblity & accountability. As such, I believe that  even though we exist in a series of communities ranging from boyfriend/girlfriend & husband/wife; to family, city, county, state, country, to the entire world … we are all individuals who are making decisions that happen to affect other individuals. The problem is that there is so much “communal” individual thinking that hardly anyone wants to accept accountability and take responsibility for their own thinking and decisions.

In my eyes, if a married relationship has deteriorated to the point where both parties have decided to part ways, then the relationship is as good as over. Let me clarify … when the sh%t gets really thick in a marriage, sometimes it’s good to get away to clear your head. In this age of ever-changing Domestic Violence laws – most of which are slanted in favor of women (sorry ladies, but it’s true) – it most behooves a man to step off and find another spot to lay his head and allow things to cool down at home. However, when it gets to the point where one of the parties in the relationship is moving out of the marital home and into an entirely separate apartment, well then it’s (sadly) safe to say that divorce is on the horizon.

So you’re “separated.” The marriage you are in is on the outs. The no longer love the man or woman you once loved, and or they no longer love you. It’s bad enough that relationship went to sh%t, but are you supposed to stay in limbo until the divorce papers are signed? C’Mon SON! … Not likely! Let’s be real, shall we?! Separation is the name for that space in time until the divorce is finalized. Legally the bond is still there, but emotionally … It’s a wrap, and in your mind – be it sooner or later – it’s “ON TO THE NEXT ONE!”
Continue reading →